Courtship practices in the United States changed gradually throughout its history. The transition from primarily rural colonies to cities and the expansion across the continent with major waves of immigration, accompanied by developments in transportation, communication, education, industrialization, and the economy, contributed to changes over time in the national culture that influenced how young people met, interacted, and married.

Courtship is generally considered to be the process of people meeting and marrying. Marriage and the formation of families was of critical importance to the success of the colonies. Each colony was influenced by the customs of the founding group, reflecting the cultural and religious expectations of the society that provided the colonists. Parents generally had an active role in their children's courtships, as did the surrounding community to a lesser extent. The concept of romantic love gradually evolved from a minor consideration to a major deciding factor in marriage.

With the advent of dating in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, families had less control over the courting process. Competitive dating in the 1930s and 1940s rapidly transitioned into the serial monogamy of going steady in the 1950s. The societal upheaval of the 1960s erased most old courtship traditions and scripts, but failed to replace them with any new mores. By the 21st century, although people still meet, pair off, and sometimes marry, there is an absence of widely accepted social norms with which to comply.

Colonial times

In the early days of the colonies, parents played a decisive role in choosing their offspring's partner, as it was considered a critical decision with both financial and social consequences for the individuals and the community. Wealth, social position, and love were considered to be the primary objectives of marriage, with wealth and social position taking precedence. Romantic love was considered an immature basis for marriage. In the 17th century, most colonies' laws required consent of parents to marriage, with some, such as New Haven and Plymouth Colony, requiring a young man to obtain a woman's father's consent even to pay court to her. Enforcement of such laws fell into disuse by the 18th century as the practice of young people choosing their own mates became commonly accepted.

Young people's courting would take place in conjunction with ordinary daily activities, such as accompanying each other to church or performing chores. Opportunities for privacy, such as gathering berries and tending far-away fields, were welcomed by the couples. Despite the watchful eyes of the families and communities, it was not uncommon for courting couples to engage in premarital sex and many colonial brides were pregnant on their wedding day. By the end of the 18th century, nearly one-third of brides in New England were pregnant before the wedding.

The customs for courtship in the early colonies varied according to the religious and cultural framework of each colony. In the Chesapeake Colonies, marriages were often arranged by families, while in Delaware Colony, Quakers forbid any marriage to a non-Quaker or to a first or second cousin, and the entire community had to consent to any marriage. The custom of the Moravians in New York and Pennsylvania was for church elders to pair off couples, although the members of the couples could veto the pairing.

In the Puritan colonies of New England, marriage required the consent of both parents and children. Law and custom governed courtship. Marriage in New England was considered a civil contract, rather than a sacrament. A potential suitor would approach a young woman's parents, often with a small gift, and seek their consent. With the parents' approval, the courting couple were given sufficient privacy to determine if they were compatible. One custom, brought to New England from Europe, was bundling, the practice of wrapping a couple together in a bed with a board between the two of them.

When the courting couple agreed to marry, banns of marriage were published and they were considered to be betrothed. Breaking a betrothal damaged the reputations of both individuals, although more often the woman's character incurred the greatest harm. In Quaker communities, a man and woman declared their intent to marry at the meetinghouse assembly. A Men's Meeting committee would investigate the prospective groom and a Women's Meeting committee investigated the prospective bride. As the couple had to announce their intent twice before the monthly meeting in consecutive months, their formal engagements lasted at least two months.

There was an imbalance in numbers of women and men in the early colony of Georgia, so courtships were often quite brief and men often married young girls. As in other colonies, parental permission was usually required before betrothal, although colonists from the Rhineland brought with them the custom that those of "a certain age" could decide to marry without their parents' consent. Later in the 18th century, as greater numbers of settlers moved to Georgia, courtships lasted longer and less often involved girls younger than 16.

As the colonies matured, upper-class families might travel or send unmarried daughters to visit in other cities to widen their exposure to potential mates of the proper class. This was particularly the case in the south, where families on rural plantations were more isolated. Mothers would take their daughters to cities such as Savannah, Williamsburg, and Charleston for a social season of teas, balls, and formal dinners. Courtship among the elite families relied heavily on parental consent and was informally governed by strict protocol. Young women felt pressured to find a mate, as those unmarried by age 20 were often considered "old maids".

Many immigrants during the 18th century were indentured servants and were constrained from marrying while serving their indenture. A man could purchase his prospective wife's freedom so that they could marry, although it was not unknown for a man to court and seduce a young woman with the promise of buying out her indenture.

In the years around the American Revolution, respected figures in early American society, such as Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Paine, and John Witherspoon, wrote tracts on courtship, marriage, and choosing a good partner. Witherspoon went so far as to place the dominant responsibility for ill-suited matches on men, as men had the freedom to choose while women could only assent or deny when asked. Franklin and Paine decried the practice of marrying for wealth rather than mutual affection. Benjamin Rush and Enos Hitchcock called for more practical education for women to better prepare them as partners in the joint management of family in a new society. Periodicals and magazines ran frequent stories encouraging marriage and making fun of bachelors and spinsters.

In the years after American independence, young people enjoyed considerable autonomy in their social activities, with little oversight of courtships. Greater numbers of young people lacked nearby families, whether by being orphaned, having moved away from their homes, or immigrating on their own, leading to an absence of the familial and social ties that would restrict their activities. The idea that the fundamental reason for marriage should be love and that partners should select each other on the basis of love grew in popular acceptance. Courtships could last several years while the young man worked toward a state of financial stability to support a family.

By 1800, young people generally selected their own partners. The perception of marriage as a joining of two people in emotional intimacy meant that only the two people involved could judge each other's suitability for partnership; parents and families had little control over the matter. Young men continued to seek permission from parents to marry their daughter, though more as a formality or ritual.

19th century

In the 19th century, courting was the term for socializing between unmarried men and women. When the socializing between a man and woman included an explicit intent to eventually marry, it was called courtship. Men and women met through families and friends, in church, and at school. Courting often began in the teenage years with group activities such as picnics, riding, parties, and dances.

Romance

By mid-century, the ideal of romantic love was firmly established in middle-class America, becoming even more meaningful than religion. With heightened expectations of happiness and fulfillment from marriage and the strict disapproval of divorce, courtship was a high-stakes pursuit of the right partner. This frequently played out in the form of obstacles, expressed doubts, and emotional crises to "test" the prospective partner. The deliberately created dramas were intended to strengthen the emotional bond between the pair and to reassure each one of the other's devotion. One gentleman expressed his view of the testing:

Love letters

In Victorian America, strict observance of social codes was adhered to in public, but private life was expected to be free of constraint. Thus, the frequent exchange of love letters was a widespread courtship activity, particularly among the upper- and middle-class and even when the couple were only separated by being in different residences. Etiquette manuals, magazines, and book-length guides provided advice and sample letters while at the same time insisting that the writer should write naturally and sincerely. Reading and writing love letters was seen as an extremely intimate experience, akin to being in their loved one's presence. Written correspondence as a major element of a courtship was greatly diminished by the last part of the 19th century.

Sex

Courting couples were expected to refrain from premarital intercourse, however they engaged in a wide range of non-genital sexual behaviors. Chaperonage was uncommon and courting couples were generally given privacy. Couples also engaged in group activities, such as picnics and parties. In higher class society, chaperonage was more common.

Personal ads

Between 1820 and 1860, when populations in cities increased by 797%, many of the new urbanites lacked social or family networks through which they might meet potential partners. Women in particular found personal ads to be a means for exercising some control over their circumstances. An 1890 study of female respondents to personal ads in the United States found that they sought independence from societal expectations and a degree of equality in the matter of marriage. (The criminologist who performed the study was scandalized by the responses, believing "they bordered on moral depravity".)

The years following the Civil War in the United States brought a huge mismatch in the number of available men in the east (more than 600,000 killed in the war) and in the number of available women on the western frontier, where mostly men had migrated to pursue mining, fur trading, farming, logging, and exploring. Rural areas of Illinois in the 1850s, for example, averaged one woman for every twenty-five men. States in the west which suffered from the imbalance between men and women passed numerous laws intended to encourage women to immigrate, such as property protection for women (as opposed to coverture laws common in eastern states) and female suffrage. The welcoming political climate was an incentive for women to respond to marriage ads and marriage recruiting efforts.

During the Civil War, soldiers and sailors placed personal ads to find correspondents, and for a woman to reply to these ads was considered a patriotic act. Many military men and their correspondents formed romantic relationships.

Calling