Patterson is a BBC Radio sitcom about a hapless university lecturer. It was billed as a comedy series in eight parts, written by Malcolm Bradbury and Christopher Bigsby but strictly speaking, it is a serial. The show was produced by Geoffrey Perkins and tells the tale of Doctor Andrew Patterson (Lewis Fiander) who is cajoled by his wife Jane (Judy Parfitt) into accepting a job in the dysfunctional English department of a provincial red-brick university. This is the catalyst for a catalogue of unfortunate events, which sees his life rapidly crumble around him, bit by bit.
Patterson is unusual amongst BBC Radio sitcoms in that it was originally broadcast on BBC Radio 3, and it appears to be the first ever sitcom broadcast on that station. Later examples include Broomhouse Reach (1984), Blood and Bruises (1988) and Such Rotten Luck (1989).
The series was repeated on the BBC World Service in 1986 and on BBC Radio 4 Extra in 2020.
Characters
Main characters
Patterson (Lewis Fiander) A 34-year-old PhD and lecturer in English literature who is a well-meaning blunderer. He knows he has a book in him but thus far it has stayed there. He is experiencing something of a premature mid-life crisis and questions whether God really did intend him to be a university teacher. This is exacerbated by taking on a job in a university he regards as a "monstrosity" and which drove his predecessor to a nervous breakdown. On top of that, his marriage is under strain - he does not have the seven-year itch so much as the five-year psoriasis and his Catholic wife's dogmatic eschewing of contraception is a source of particular antagonism. He has a sharp wit, which helps him to just about survive the mishaps that continually befall him, partly through misfortune and partly naive misjudgement.
Jane (Judy Parfitt) Patterson's long-suffering wife of twelve years. Although she has seven mouths to feed, her culinary repertoire extends only from sausages to fish fingers. At first she regrets the move enforced by her husband's new job but by the end of the first episode, she has found reasons to change her mind, which puts the couple at odds. Jane's desire to do social work is also a bone of contention - her husband would prefer her to look after their own children first. With a BA in history, she is an intellectual match for her husband, which leads to some lively exchanges, but otherwise they do not seem ideally suited.
Professor Misty (Richard Vernon) The absent-minded head of the English department. He cannot even remember Patterson's name from one moment to the next. He is clearly overdue retirement and Patterson tells Jane he "looks as though he went to school with Little Dorrit." His speech is characterised by a tendency to trail off in mid-sentence as he loses his train of thought, so others often finish his sentences for him, inappropriately. He is frequently the bane of Patterson's life, issuing nonsensical edicts on which his job invariably depends.
Vice-Chancellor (John Barron) A middle-aged, pompous bombast with delusions of grandeur. He presides over the university of which he is unjustly proud.
Victor (Hugh Thomas) Patterson's old friend from college and fellow lecturer in English who is laid back and lacking in any sense of responsibility. Jane has no time for him as she regards him as a bad influence on her husband.
Amy Spade (Maggie Steed) Another member of the English department. She has an identity problem - last year, she was known as Felicity Scott. She is keen to get most of the male faculty into bed, but no one is interested. Nevertheless, she feels entitled to moralise about others, so she spends much of her time spying on people and then sending them anonymous poison pen letters assembled from words and phrases cut out of newspapers.
Melissa (Maureen Lipman) Another colleague, described by Victor as "honeypot of the senior common room, toast of the troops" and less politely by Amy as "that randy bitch!" She is a voracious man-eater who appears to have had designs on Patterson from the moment she learned he was joining the department. The attraction is clearly mutual - when she suggests to him during their first meeting that his home life must make for divided loyalties, he is pointedly quick to concur.
Mary (Francis Jeater) The loyal department secretary who has a propensity for steaming open people's mail and then telling them precise details of the contents as she hands it over, adding, "I didn't open it."
Cuthbertson (Richard O'Callaghan) Patterson's next-door neighbour who has also been newly recruited by the university as custodian of the issue desk of the library. He is a nerdy, obsessive health freak to whom Patterson takes an instant dislike, not least of all because he is clearly very taken with Jane.
Probity (Jack May) The university porter. A proud old man with a very affected manner of speaking - not only does he habitually drop his aitches but he also insists on inserting additional ones ahead of words beginning with vowels.
Mrs Vice-Chancellor (Irene Prador) The Vice-Chancellor's wife. She is a crashing bore who cannot resist telling everyone at every opportunity that she is Viennese and regaling them with tedious, long-winded anecdotes about her days as an opera singer.
Bannerji (Tariq Yunus) An Indian student who obtained his place at the university via the British Council. He is extremely keen to discuss the contemporary British novel, only Patterson's specialism is poetry so he keeps making excuses or avoiding him altogether.
Valerie (Leueen Willoughby) An American student on a year abroad who is rather voluble. However, unlike Banneerji, Patterson is only too keen to make time for her, principally because she is attractive, does not wear a bra, is sexually liberated and into older men.
Other characters
Lady Professor (Frances Jeater) One of the eccentric university interviewing committee in episode one.
Professor Amis (Richard O'Callaghan, uncredited) Another member of the interviewing committee.
Office cleaner (Uncredited) A woman who comes to Patterson's rescue in the first episode.
Sandra (Liza Hayden) One of Patterson's five children.
Cleaner (Maggie Steed) A sanitary systems supervisor who says she was happier when she was just a bog cleaner. She gives Patterson a shock in the second episode.
Solon (Hugh Thomas, uncredited) A student in Patterson's class in episode two.
Jake (Philip Davis) A cocky student who features in episode three.
Mrs Jackson (Francis Jeater) A busybody who is the Pattersons' other next door neighbour.
Librarian (Uncredited) A bone-idle colleague of Cuthbertson who 'assists' Patterson in episode four.
Mrs Misty (Francis Jeater) The Professor's wife who features briefly in episodes five and seven.
Inspector Firestone (David Tate) A policeman Patterson has a run in with in episode six.
Hotel Manager (Rowland Davies) Features in episode seven.
Ancient boy (Patrick Barr) The elderly porter at the hotel in episode seven.
Verity (Francis Jeater) An alcoholic cook who serves in the canteen in the final episode.
Landlady (Patricia Hayes) The landlady of Patterson's digs who appears in the pre-title sequence of the final episode.
Structure
Patterson is a serial. It charts the fortunes of its central character over the course of one eventful academic term. Each episode begins with a pre-title sequence. This typically sees Patterson starting out on a new day, invariably in changed circumstances, which tend to get progressively worse. The episodes are written in such a way to end with a double-punchline. To realise this, the closing titles are interrupted by a brief payoff to the final scene, which mines another gag from the same situation. The end credits proper follow hard off the back of it. Episode four is the only one to depart from this model. An audible edit where the end credits begin suggests that a payoff was scripted but removed prior to transmission.
The above does not hold necessarily hold true for the abridged Radio 2 repeat because of editing.
Plot
Episode one
Following a bizarre interview, Doctor Andrew Patterson reluctantly accepts a lectureship in English Literature at a provincial university. His wife Jane finds their new hometown so depressing she is reduced to tears. Their oddball, neighbour Spencer Cuthbertson calls round and makes an immediate, bad impression on Patterson. His spirits are lifted by the unexpected arrival of Victor, an old college friend who reveals they are colleagues. Jane is less than thrilled. Victor introduces Patterson to the other members of the department, all of whom appear to have notable quirks, and it is quite clear Melissa already has Andrew in her sights as a potential sexual conquest. There is mutual attraction. The head of the department, Professor Misty shows him to his new office and then absent-mindedly locks him in for several hours. Later, he suggests to Jane he should quit but she has now found unexpected virtues in her present circumstances and goes out for the evening with Cuthbertson, leaving Patterson to look after their five children.
Episode two
It is the first day of term. Jane says she has lined up an interview for a job as a social worker. Patterson thinks this is ironic as they have many children of their own that need looking after. When he gets to work, he expresses having high hopes for his first lecture but it does not go as planned. On entering Room 351, he is greeted by the sound of a flushing cistern - it transpires he is in the wrong building. Arriving late, he soon concludes his students are neither intelligent nor academically inclined. At a meeting of the department, Misty rails against falling standards and, in particular, fornication by faculty, which, he insists, must cease utterly. The Pattersons are invited to the Vice-Chancellor's reception where Melissa makes a beeline for Andrew. He is about to take up her offer of showing her "some fascinating Greek statuary in the garden" when he is inconveniently interrupted by Jane. Cuthbertson wanders over and suggests showing Jane the same statuary. The night ends in disaster after the Vice-Chancellor asks Patterson not to smoke and he hurriedly puts his lit cigarette in his jacket pocket. The suit catches fire and he has to jump in the lake to extinguish the flames.
Episode three
The Pattersons awake at 5.00am to the sounds of their children either crying or vomiting. Jane says she is taking the social worker's position. Misty asks Patterson to help Bannerji, an Indian student, with his thesis about a novel, despite his protests that he has never read it as poetry is his field. Misty also demands his lawnmower back which he allegedly borrowed last term. Patterson points out it couldn't have been him as he's only just started but Misty is adamant. It must be back by 9.00am tomorrow or he'll be fired. Over lunch, Andrew discovers Victor borrowed the lawnmower using the name of Thistleberry - Patterson's predecessor - but he passed it on to Amy who in turn gave it to Melissa. He agrees to a dinner date at her place as a means of getting the lawnmower back. The meal is somewhat awkward and sexually charged. When Patterson spills wine on his trousers, Melissa seizes her opportunity to bed him and enjoy "cock au vin". When he returns home after midnight, a row ensues and Jane kicks out her husband for his unfaithfulness.
Episode four