A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continuously and regularly. Children that grow up in such families may think such a situation is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of two adults, one typically overtly abusive and the other codependent, and may also be affected by substance abuse or other forms of addiction, or often by an untreated mental illness. Parents having grown up in a dysfunctional family may over-correct or emulate their own parents. In some cases, the dominant parent will abuse or neglect their children and the other parent will not object, misleading a child to assume blame.
Examples Dysfunctional family members have common features and behavior patterns as a result of their experiences within the family structure. This tends to reinforce the dysfunctional behavior, either through enabling or perpetuation. The family unit can be affected by a variety of factors.
Features dysfunctional families possess Nearly universal Some features are common to most dysfunctional families: Lack of empathy, understanding, and sensitivity towards certain family members, while expressing extreme empathy or appeasement towards one or more members who have real or perceived special needs. In other words, one family member continuously receives far more than they deserve, while another is marginalized. Denialrefusal to acknowledge abusive behavior, possibly believing that the situation is normal or even beneficial (also known as the "elephant in the room"). Inadequate or missing boundaries: Selftolerating inappropriate treatment from others, failing to express what is acceptable and unacceptable treatment, tolerance of physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Othersphysical contact that other person dislikes, breaking important promises without just cause, purposefully violating a boundary another person has expressed. Extremes in conflicteither too much fighting or insufficient peaceful arguing between family members. Unequal or unfair treatment of one or more family members due to their birth order, gender or gender identity, age, sexual orientation, role within the family, abilities, race, caste, and so on; may include frequent appeasement of one member at the expense of others, or an uneven or inconsistent enforcement of rules.
Not universal Though not universal among dysfunctional families and by no means exclusive to them, the following features are nevertheless typical of dysfunctional families: Abnormally high levels of jealousy or other controlling behaviors. Conflict influenced by marital status: Between separated or divorced parents, usually related to, or arising from their breakup. Conflict between parents who remain married, often for the perceived sake of the children, but whose separation or divorce would in fact remove a detrimental influence on those children (must be evaluated on a case-by-case basis, as a breakup may harm children). Parents who wish to divorce but cannot due to financial, societal (including religious), or legal reasons. Children afraid to talk, either within or outside of the family, about what is happening at home, or are otherwise fearful of their parents. Abnormal sexual behavior such as adultery, promiscuity, or incest. Lack of time spent together, especially in recreational activities and social events ("we never do anything as a family"). Parents who insist that they treat their children fairly and equitably when that is not the case. Family members, including children, who "disown" one other (either unilaterally or bilaterally), refusing even to be seen together in public. Children of parents who are experiencing a substance use disorder or who engage in binge drinking having an increased tendency to adopt substance use disorders into their own lives later on.
Laundry List
The program Adult Children of Alcoholics includes a "Laundry List", core literature of the program. This list has 14 different statements that relate to being an adult child of a parent with an alcohol addiction. These statements provide commentary on how children have been affected by the trauma of having alcoholic parents. Some highlights of the statements include, "confusing love and pity", "having low self-esteem", and having a "loss of identity". The Laundry List is a helpful tool in group therapy in order to show families that they are not alone in their struggles. Female children whose parents were alcoholics have an increased risk of developing depression. Male children of alcoholics are at a significantly higher risk for developing a substance use disorder.
Parenting
Unhealthy signs Unhealthy parenting signs, which could lead to a family becoming dysfunctional include: Unrealistic expectations Ridicule Conditional love Disrespect; especially contempt. Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions.) Social dysfunction or isolation (for example, parents unwilling to reach out to other families—especially those with children of the same gender and approximate age, or do nothing to help their "friendless" child.) Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority.) Denial of an "inner life" (children are not allowed to develop their own value systems.) Being under- or over-protective Apathy ("I don't care!") Belittling ("You can't do anything right!") Shame ("Shame on you!") Bitterness (regardless of what is said, using a bitter tone of voice.) Hypocrisy ("Do as I say, not as I do.") Lack of forgiveness for minor misdeeds or accidents Judgmental statements or demonization ("You are a liar!") Being overly critical and withholding proper praise. (experts say 80–90% praise, and 10–20% constructive criticism is the most healthy.) https://www.lifehack.org/350678/13-signs-toxic-parent-that-many-people-dont-realize Double standards or giving "mixed messages" by having a dual system of values (i.e. one set for the outside world, another when in private, or teaching divergent values to each child.) The absentee parent (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling, or other addictions.) Unfulfilled projects, activities, and promises affecting children ("We'll do it later.") Giving to one child what rightly belongs to another Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly.) Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late Faulty discipline based more on emotions or family politics than on established rules (e.g., punishment by "surprise".) Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abuse, personality disorder(s), or stress Parents always (or never) take their children's side when others report acts of misbehavior, or teachers report problems at school Scapegoating (knowingly or recklessly blaming one child for the misdeeds of another) "Tunnel vision" diagnosis of children's problems (for example, a parent may think their child is either lazy or has learning disabilities after falling behind in school despite recent absence due to illness.) Older siblings given either no or excessive authority over younger siblings with respect to their age difference and level of maturity. Frequent withholding of consent ("blessing") for culturally common, lawful, and age-appropriate activities a child wants to take part in The "know-it-all" (has no need to obtain child's side of the story when accusing, or listen to child's opinions on matters which greatly impact them.) Regularly forcing children to attend activities for which they are extremely over- or under-qualified (e.g. using a preschool to babysit a typical nine-year-old boy, taking a young child to poker games, etc.) Either being a miser ("scrooge") in totality or selectively allowing children's needs to go unmet (e.g. a father will not buy a bicycle for his son because he wants to save money for retirement or "something important".) Disagreements about nature and nurture (parents, often non-biological, blame common problems on child's heredity, when faulty parenting may be the actual cause.)
Dysfunctional styles "Children as pawns" One common dysfunctional parental behavior is a parent's manipulation of a child in order to achieve some outcome adverse to the other parent's rights or interests. Examples include verbal manipulation such as spreading gossip about the other parent, communicating with the parent through the child (and in the process exposing the child to the risks of the other parent's displeasure with that communication) rather than doing so directly, trying to obtain information through the child (spying), or causing the child to dislike the other parent, with insufficient or no concern for the damaging effects of the parent's behavior on the child. While many instances of such manipulation occur in shared custody situations that have resulted from separation or divorce, it can also take place in intact families, where it is known as triangulation.
List of other dysfunctional styles "Using" (destructively narcissistic parents who rule by fear and conditional love.) Abusing (parents who use physical violence, or emotionally, or sexually abuse their children.) Perfectionist (fixating on order, prestige, power, or perfect appearances, while preventing their child from failing at anything.) Dogmatic or cult-like (harsh and inflexible discipline, with children not allowed, within reason, to dissent, question authority, or develop their own value system.) Inequitable parenting (going to extremes for one child while continually ignoring the needs of another.) Deprivation (control or neglect by withholding love, support, necessities, sympathy, praise, attention, encouragement, supervision, or otherwise putting their children's well-being at risk.) Abuse among siblings (parents fail to intervene when a sibling physically or sexually abuses another sibling.) Abandonment (a parent who willfully separates from their children, not wishing any further contact, and in some cases without locating alternative, long-term parenting arrangements, leaving them as orphans.) Appeasement (parents who reward bad behavior—even by their own standards—and inevitably punish another child's good behavior in order to maintain the peace and avoid temper tantrums. "Peace at any price.") Loyalty manipulation (giving unearned rewards and lavish attention trying to ensure a favored, yet rebellious child will be the one most loyal and well-behaved, while subtly ignoring the wants and needs of their most loyal child currently.) "Helicopter parenting" (parents who micro-manage their children's lives or relationships among siblings—especially minor conflicts.) "The deceivers" (well-regarded parents in the community, likely to be involved in some charitable/non-profit works, who abuse or mistreat one or more of their children.) "Public image manager" (sometimes related to above, children warned to not disclose what fights, abuse, or damage happens at home, or face severe punishment "Don't tell anyone what goes on in this family".) "The paranoid parent" (a parent having persistent and irrational fear accompanied by anger and false accusations that their child is up to no good or others are plotting harm.) "No friends allowed" (parents discourage, prohibit, or interfere with their child from making friends of the same age and gender.) Role reversal (parents who expect their minor children to take care of them instead.) "Not your business" (children continuously told that a particular brother or sister who is often causing problems is none of their concern.) Ultra-egalitarianism (either a much younger child is permitted to do whatever an older child may, or an older child must wait years until a younger child is mature enough.)