A Few Quick Ones is a collection of ten short stories by P. G. Wodehouse. It was first published in the United States on 13 April 1959 by Simon & Schuster, New York, and in the United Kingdom on 26 June 1959 by Herbert Jenkins, London. The first US edition dust jacket was designed by Paul Bacon.McIlvaine (1990), pp. 93–94, A82. The book's title comes from the informal phrase "a quick one", which is British slang for an alcoholic drink consumed quickly.
All the stories in the collection feature recurring Wodehouse characters and themes: four Drones Club members (two Freddie Widgeon and two Bingo Little), two golf stories (with the Oldest Member), two Mr Mulliner, one Jeeves and Bertie Wooster, and one Ukridge.
"A Tithe for Charity" did not appear in the original US edition, which instead featured a 1958 "exclusive" pseudo-Drones story entitled "Unpleasantness at Kozy Kot" (actually a rewritten version of the 1928 Jeeves story "Fixing it for Freddie" collected in Carry On, Jeeves). "Jeeves Makes an Omelette" was a rewritten version of the 1913 Reggie Pepper story "Doing Clarence a Bit of Good", which appeared in the UK collection My Man Jeeves.
Contents
"The Fat of the Land" US; This Week, 2 November 1958 (a shorter and somewhat altered version)
"The Fat of the Land" introduces the Drones Club Fat Uncles sweepstakes, which is also central to the 1965 short story "Stylish Stouts".
Plot
Freddie Widgeon starts a Fat Uncles sweepstakes, in which the names of Drones Club members' uncles are drawn from a hat, and the person who draws the name of the fattest uncle wins the jackpot, which is well over one hundred pounds. On the first day of the Eton v Harrow match, the members will bring their uncles to their club, and the weights of the uncles will be determined by Mr. McGarry, the club bartender, who can tell the weight of anything by sight. It is agreed by the members that whoever draws Freddie's large uncle Lord Blicester (pronounced "blister") will win. The wealthiest member, Oofy Prosser, draws Lord Blicester's name, while Freddie Widgeon draws Oofy's Uncle Horace.
Oofy reads a letter from his uncle, whom he has not seen since childhood, which includes a photograph of Horace Prosser in a bathing suit. Uncle Horace is very fat. Oofy offers to trade tickets with Freddie, pretending he is giving Freddie the winning ticket out of kindness. The Crumpet who is managing the contest records the change of tickets. Oofy has lunch with his uncle and is startled to learn that Uncle Horace is on a diet to please the woman he wants to marry, Mrs. Loretta Delancy. Oofy returns to the Drones Club and tricks Freddie Widgeon into swapping tickets again by showing Freddie the photograph.
While visiting Paris, Oofy sees Uncle Horace, as stout as ever. Uncle Horace has lost interest in Loretta and in dieting. Oofy goes back to the Drones Club in London to find Freddie Widgeon, but Freddie is not there. Confident of winning money off the ticket for Oofy's uncle, Freddie had bet on an unsuccessful horse and owes a bookie fifty pounds; the bookie told Freddie that unpleasant accidents happen to people who do not pay him back, so Freddie is hiding in East Dulwich disguised in a beard until he can get the money from the Fat Uncles contest.
On the day of the contest, Oofy finds Freddie and tells him they have to swap tickets again, claiming that Uncle Horace has lost weight. When Freddie hesitates, Oofy gives Freddie fifty pounds to make the trade. Uncle Horace arrives, and the Crumpet discovers that "Uncle" Horace is actually Oofy's distant cousin. Uncle Horace is disqualified. Oofy is less than pleased, especially since he now has to pay for his uncle's lunch.
"Scratch Man" US: Saturday Evening Post, 20 January 1940 (as "Tee for Two") (with American setting and names; mostly followed in American edition of book) UK: Strand, September 1940 (as "Tee for Two") (with British setting and names; mostly followed in British edition of book)
Plot The Oldest Member tells a young man the following story about Harold Pickering, who had a handicap of fourteen before love made him a scratch golfer, though only temporarily.
Harold Pickering is a partner in a publishing house. He visits champion golfer John Rockett to buy his memoirs. Rockett's children are named after golf courses and are all scratch golfers. Harold falls in love with Rockett's daughter Troon. He tries to propose to her a week later, gargling nervously as he does so. She leaves the room. Believing she rejected him because his handicap is too high, Harold decides to become scratch, and seeks a teacher. He admires the skill of Agnes Flack, the female champion of the club. She is athletic and tough, and her voice is so forceful that she can even make the slow-moving Wrecking Crew scatter. She is confident she can make Harold a scratch player, since she helped another golfer, Sidney McMurdo, bring his handicap down from fifteen to plus one. Thanks to Agnes's lessons, Harold becomes scratch and enters the club championship. He tells the Oldest Member that he is now engaged to Agnes because of a misunderstanding. When he became scratch, he thanked her warmly, and she mistakenly thought he loved her and said she would marry him.
The championship final round is between Harold and Sidney. Agnes tells Harold she used to be engaged to Sidney, but broke it off after he used a Number Three iron when she told him to take a Number Four. Sidney is large, intimidating, and jealous. He threatens to injure Harold, but Harold convinces him to postpone it by pointing out that posterity would not look well on Sidney for winning the match that way. Harold lets Sidney win the match and tries to flatter him. Nonetheless, Sidney still threatens Harold afterwards. Harold knocks Sidney over a bridge into the water and flees. He later returns to his house, but sees through the window that Sidney is waiting there. Agnes comes and tells Sidney she means to end her engagement with Harold, because he played so badly in the competition. Sidney tells her he should have used a Number Four when she said so, and they renew their engagement. Troon comes as they leave. Harold approaches her and is surprised when she embraces him. She explains that she had thought Harold was having a fit of some kind when he was gargling, and left to get a doctor. She only realized later that he was proposing when another man did the same thing. She fell in love with Harold when they met. He admits that he cannot keep up being scratch and should have a handicap around ten. She reveals that she has always dreamed of marrying a man with a handicap around ten, because she has also struggled to make herself scratch and would be happier letting herself slip back to ten.
"The Right Approach" UK: Lilliput, September 1958 (without the Angler's Rest introduction) US: Playboy, January 1959 (rewritten and condensed, with changes to character names)
The character Russell Clutterbuck also appears in French Leave.
Plot A discussion about romance stories in magazines leads to Mr. Mulliner telling the following story about his nephew Augustus.
Augustus accompanies his godmother to a charity bazaar at a house called Balmoral on Wimbledon Common. He falls in love with Hermione Brimble, who lives at Balmoral with her formidable aunt, Beatrice Gudgeon. Augustus pretends he knows Mrs Gudgeon's friend, the Rev. Theophilus Mulliner. Mrs Gudgeon mentions that Hermione's father was a bishop. Augustus believes he must make himself seem pious to impress them. He speaks highly of Social Purity, which Mrs Gudgeon values, and she invites him to the house. Mrs Gudgeon's stepson, novelist Oswald Stoker, is engaged to someone named Yvonne. Oswald is worried about his upcoming dinner with his American publisher, Russell Clutterbuck. Hermione explains that Oswald got a hangover the last time he dined with Clutterbuck. Augustus claims to be a teetotaler, and Hermione remarks that he is good and steady. He proposes, but Hermione turns him down. Augustus is surprised, and wonders why she did not accept him. At one in the morning, he concludes that she misspoke, and goes back to Balmoral. Shortly before two, the butler Staniforth, in pyjamas and a dressing-gown, opens the door and is obviously annoyed. Staniforth informs Augustus that Hermione and her aunt are in town. Staniforth refuses to let him inside, so Augustus waits in the garden. He gazes reverently at all the windows, not knowing which is hers.
Oswald suddenly appears and tells Augustus that the right approach is to serenade Hermione by singing about wanting a little rose from her hair. Oswald is drunk, having dined with Clutterbuck, and Augustus ignores him. Oswald mentions that he brought Clutterbuck, who brought a dog. Oswald goes to look for Clutterbuck. The large, unfriendly dog appears and advances on Augustus. He climbs and hides in a tree. The dog leaves and Oswald returns with Clutterbuck, neither of whom notice Augustus. They decide to do Augustus's wooing of Hermione for him, with Oswald singing while Clutterbuck hums the bass. Clutterbuck, also drunk, says they have to launch ship first, and throws a battle of champagne at an upper window, breaking it. At the window, the butler demands to know who is there. Oswald replies that he is Augustus. Clutterbuck throws an egg at Staniforth. Staniforth comes out with a shotgun, intending to put Augustus under restraint. He thinks Augustus sang and threw the egg. It is now three in the morning. Hermione and Mrs Gudgeon return. Oswald agrees with everything Staniforth tells them. Mrs Gudgeon is angry at Augustus and goes to the house with Staniforth. Oswald sees Hermione start to cry. She now thinks Augustus is a sportsman and loves him. She fears she has lost him, until Augustus comes down from the tree. They get engaged. Oswald gives them a toad as a wedding present. Augustus suggests that Hermione put the toad in the butler's bed. She agrees and wants to add a few frogs, too.
"Jeeves Makes an Omelette" Canada: Toronto Star, 22 August 1958 (a shorter version) UK: Lilliput, February 1959 (a shorter version) US: Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, August 1959 (as "Jeeves and the Stolen Venus")
See "Jeeves Makes an Omelette".
"The Word in Season" UK: Punch, 21 August 1940 US: Harper's Bazaar, 15 September 1940 US: This Week, 18 May 1958 (as "Bingo Little's Wild Night Out")
Plot Bingo Little's baby, Algernon Aubrey Little, has been proposed by Bingo and seconded by an influential Crumpet for election for Drones Club membership. Some members are reluctant to elect a noisy, messy baby for membership. The Crumpet assures them that Algy will be a beneficent member, as he has a knack for doing the right thing at the right time. The Crumpet tells the other members the following story.
Bingo promised his wife Rosie that he would add ten pounds to a deposit account for Algy for his first birthday. This was all he had on hand after getting an advance on his salary. He bets the ten pounds on a horse, hoping to give Algy twenty pounds. The horse loses. To make the money back, Bingo writes a story called "Tibby's Wonderful Adventure" about a little girl named Gwendoline and her cat Tibby. As editor of Wee Tots, Bingo accepts it for the paper, but the proprietor Henry Cuthbert Purkiss does not pay him for it, saying that all Bingo's contributions are already covered by his salary.