Relational transgressions occur when people violate implicit or explicit relational rules. These transgressions include a wide variety of behaviors. The boundaries of relational transgressions are permeable. Betrayal for example, is often used as a synonym for a relational transgression. In some instances, betrayal can be defined as a rule violation that is traumatic to a relationship, and in other instances as destructive conflict or reference to infidelity. Relational transgressions are subjective. Culture, sex, and age may change an individual's viewpoint on transgressions. Considering the victim's perspective and a couple's communication helps better understand relational transgressions.
Relational transgressions are a part of any relationship. In each instance, partners must weigh the severity of the transgression against how much they value the relationship. In some cases, trust can be so severely damaged that repair strategies are fruitless. With each transgression both transgressor and victim assume risks.Metts and Cupach, 2007 The transgressor's efforts at reconciliation may be rejected by the victim, which results in loss of face and potentially an avenue of attack by the victim. If the victim offers forgiveness, there is risk that the transgressor may view the forgiveness as a personality trait that may prompt future transgressions (e.g., “I’ll be forgiven by my partner just like every other time”).
These risks aside, promptly engaging in repair strategies helps to ensure the relationship recovers from transgressions. Addressing relational transgressions can be a very painful process. Utilizing repair strategies can have a transformative effect on the relationship through redefining rules and boundaries. An added benefit can be gained through the closeness that can be realized as partners address transgressions. Engaging in relationship talk such as metatalk prompts broader discussions about what each partner desires from the relationship and aligns expectations. Such efforts can mitigate the effects of future transgressions, or even minimize the frequency and severity of transgressions.
Scholars tend to delineate relational transgressions into three categories or approaches. The first approach focuses on the aspect of certain behaviors as a violation of relational norms and rules. The second approach focuses on the interpretive consequences of certain behaviors, particularly the degree to which they hurt the victim, imply disregard for the victim, and imply disregard for the relationship. The third and final approach focuses more specifically on behaviors that constitute infidelity (a common form of relational transgression).
Common forms of relational transgressions include the following: dating others, wanting to date others, having sex with others, deceiving one's partner, flirting with someone else, kissing someone else, keeping secrets, becoming emotionally involved with someone else, and betraying the partner's confidence.Guerrero, Andersen, & Afifi, 2007
Conceptual and operational definitions
Rule violations Rule violations are events, actions, and behaviors that violate an implicit or explicit relationship norm or rule. Explicit rules tend to be relationship specific, such as those prompted by the bad habits of a partner (e.g., excessive drinking or drug abuse), or those that emerge from attempts to manage conflict (e.g., rules that prohibit spending time with a former spouse or talking about a former girlfriend or boyfriend). Implicit rules tend to be those that are accepted as cultural standards for proper relationship conduct (e.g., monogamy and secrets kept private). The focus on relational transgressions as rule violations presents an opportunity to examine a wide range of behaviors across a variety of relationship types. This method facilitates analysis of transgressions from a rules perspective. In a study of college students' relational transgressions, the following nine categories emerged consistently.Metts and Cupach, 2007, p. 246
Inappropriate interaction: Instances in which a partner performs badly during an interaction, typically a conflict episode. Lack of sensitivity: Instances in which a partner exhibits thoughtless, disrespectful, or inconsiderate behavior. Offender demonstrates a lack of concern or emotional responsiveness when expected and appropriate. Extrarelational involvement: Sexual or emotional involvement with persons other than the offended party. Offender does not confound involvement with deception. Relational threat confounded by deception: Instances in which a partner participates in sexual or emotional involvement with persons other than the offended party and then uses deception to conceal the involvement. Disregard for primary relationship: Actions that indicate the transgressor does not privilege the primary relationship; chooses other people or activities over partner or changes plans. Abrupt termination: Actions that terminate a relationship with no warning and no explanation. Broken promises and rule violations: Occasions during which a partner fails to keep a promise, changes plans with no warning or explanation, or violates a rule that the offended person assumes was binding. Deception, secrets and privacy: Instances in which a partner lied, kept important information a secret, failed to keep sensitive information private, or violated privacy boundaries. Abuse: Verbal or physical threats.
Cameron, Ross, and Holmes (2002) identified 10 categories of common relational negative behavior that constitute relational transgressions as rule violations:Cameron, Ross, and Holmes, 2002, p.310 Broken promises Overreaction to the victim's behavior Inconsiderate behavior Violating the victim's desired level of intimacy Neglecting the victim Threat of infidelity Infidelity Verbal aggression toward the victim Unwarranted disagreement Violent behavior toward the victim
Infidelity
Infidelity is widely recognized as one of the most hurtful relational transgressions. Around 30% to 40% of dating relationships are marked by at least one incident of sexual infidelity. It is typically among the most difficult transgressions to forgive. There are typically four methods of discovery: Finding out from a third party. Witnessing the infidelity firsthand, such as walking in on your partner with someone else. Having the partner admit to infidelity after another partner questions. Having the partner tell their partner on their own. Partners who found out through a third party or by witnessing the infidelity firsthand were the least likely to forgive. Partners who confessed on their own were the most likely to be forgiven.
Sexual vs. emotional infidelity Sexual infidelity refers to sexual activity with someone other than a person's partner. Sexual infidelity can span a wide range of behavior and thoughts, including: sexual intercourse, heavy petting, passionate kissing, sexual fantasies, and sexual attraction. It can involve a sustained relationship, a one-night stand, or a prostitute. Most people in the United States openly disapprove of sexual infidelity, but research indicates that infidelity is common. Men are typically more likely than women to engage in a sexual affair, regardless if they are married or in a dating relationship.
Emotional infidelity refers to emotional involvement with another person, which leads one's partner to channel emotional resources to someone else. Emotional infidelity can involve strong feelings of love and intimacy, nonsexual fantasies of falling in love, romantic attraction, or the desire to spend time with another individual. Emotional infidelity may involve a coworker, Internet partner, face-to-face communication, or a long distance phone call. Emotional infidelity is likely related to dissatisfaction with the communication and social support an individual is receiving in his or her current relationship.
Each type of infidelity evokes different responses. Sexual infidelity is more likely to result in hostile, shocked, repulsed, humiliated, homicidal, or suicidal feelings. Emotional infidelity is more likely to evoke feelings of being undesirable, insecure, depressed, or abandoned. When both types of infidelity are present in a relationship, couples are more likely to break up than when only one type of infidelity is involved.
Gender differences in infidelity While gender is not a reliable predictor of how any individual will react to sexual and emotional infidelity, there are nonetheless differences in how men and women on average react to sexual and emotional infidelity. Culturally Western men, relative to culturally Western women, find it more difficult to forgive a partner's sexual infidelity than a partner's emotional infidelity. Western men are also more likely to break up in response to a partner's sexual infidelity than in response to a partner's emotional infidelity. Conversely, Western women on average find it more difficult to forgive a partner's emotional infidelity than a partner's sexual infidelity, and are more likely to end a relationship in response to a partner's emotional infidelity. A possible explanation for these differences has been proposed by evolutionary psychologists: over human evolution, a partner's sexual infidelity placed men, but not women, at risk of investing resources in a rival's offspring. Therefore, a partner's sexual infidelity represents a potentially more costly adaptive problem for men than women. As such, modern men have psychological mechanisms that are acutely sensitive to a partner's sexual infidelity.
Whereas on average Western men are more acutely sensitive to sexual infidelity (supposedly driven by evolutionary requirements noted above), Western women are commonly believed to have greater sensitivity to emotional infidelity. This response in women is, by the arguments of the theory above, driven by the perception that emotional infidelity suggests a long-term diversion of a partner's commitment, and a potential loss of resources.Shackelford, Buss, and Bennett, 2002 Evolutionary psychology explains this difference by arguing that a woman's loss of male support would result in a diminished chance of survival for both the woman and her offspring. Consequently, relationship factors that are more associated with commitment and partner investment play a more critical role in the psyche of women in contrast to men.Cann and Baucom, 2004
When infidelity involves a former romantic partner, as opposed to a new partner, it is perceived to be more distressing – especially for women. Both men and women overall view situations of sexual infidelity as more distressing than situations of emotional involvement. The typical man, however, viewed only the former partner scenario as more distressing with regard to sexual infidelity; men made no distinction for emotional infidelity. Women, however, view a former partner scenario as the most distressing option for both sexual and emotional infidelity. Men and women both judge infidels of the opposite gender as acting more intentionally than their own gender.Mongeau, Hale, and Alles, 1994
Internet infidelity